Finding the Ground

 "Around me the trees stir in their leaves and call out, 'Stay awhile.' The light flows from their branches. And they call again, 'It's simple,' they say, 'and you too have come into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled with light, and to shine.' " 

                                                                                - Among the Trees by Mary Oliver

Is it just me, or does autumn seem to be the busiest season? There's school and school shopping. Recitals and dances and meetings and soccer and homework and projects and play practice and football. There is also all the decorating for the holidays. Halloween, Thanksgiving and, dare I say, prepping for Christmas. (GASP)  

While feeling pulled in a million different directions, finding our footing is important. As much as we would like to think that certainty actually exists, it's the fluctuation that is real, right? The world is constantly moving, and we are constantly trying to catch up. With life in a tizzy, it's hard to stay grounded. And by grounded, I mean not letting your thoughts and emotions spin out of control. But sometimes it happens. We get all caught up in our own heads or hearts. Feelings and thoughts get bigger and bigger and bigger. Being flooded can almost become a way of life this season. We have to remember, though, the ground is always there, it's just hard to feel it sometimes.

I have been taught to practice "grounding techniques," ways to bring us back to ourselves. There are all sorts of these. The first one I want to share with you is always a go-to for me and it is the easiest to do. It is all about breathing. Concentrating on your breath can immediately bring you back to the present. So take a deep breath, all the way down to your belly button..... Now one more..... Then try this: inhale slowly for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. And repeat. This is called square breathing. FYI, some people don't like how holding your breath feels, so if you don't like that part just don't do that part. Find the controlled breathing that works for you. You can also try making your breath go in and out just like the sound of ocean waves. I have found that that one works well, too.

There are also ways where we can literally ground ourselves. For example, find a comfortable position, either sitting or standing. Make sure you feet are firmly on the ground. Concentrate on what that feels like. Can you feel your toes pressing into the ground? How about your heels? Can you feel the firmness of the ground in your calves? What do your knees feel like? You can work your way all the way up to the top of your head if you find this exercise helpful. 

You can also use your environment to help ground you. Try naming all the things that are red in the space where you are. Now do things that are blue. You keep going with different colors until you feel more grounded.

There is also an exercise called 5-4-3-2-1. I have found this to be a really good one. It works because it uses all your senses. First, name 5 things you can see. Next, 4 things you can feel. Then, 3 things you can hear. Now name 2 things you can smell. Finally, name 1 thing you can taste. What do you think? Did that help?

Speaking of tasting, eating super sour candy like Warheads works. I keep them on me all the time. In fact, I bought 2 POUNDS of them. I have enough to last me for the next decade. Any body want some?

Ultimately, if all else fails, a cold shower definitely helps my body to reset. Feeling the warm water turn cool and then cold as it hits the top of my head works almost miraculously! I know it doesn't sound like fun, and fun is not a word I would use to describe it. But it most definitely works when I am feeling flooded or out of emotional control.

I hope these are helpful for you in this chaotic season. The next time you are feeling out of control and feel the need to come back to yourself, try one of these grounding techniques. Please let me know if they work for you by commenting below. Or if you have your own grounding techniques, I would love to hear about them! 

As far as the Miniphany Tree itself is concerned, I wish I could give you a better update. I am still working on its ground. Can't have a tree without the ground, right? I am using wood putty to fill in the corners where there are small gaps. Once that dries, its sanding time! Then, we stain. I will post some pics when there are changes to show you. Right now, though, I am trying to stay grounded myself.

I am so glad you are here on this journey with me. Thank you for being by my side. We are doing this together. I am learning that it's okay to be uncomfortable. Uncomfortable is not the same as unsafe. 

So in the midst of all the chaos this season, let us stand in it together, do our best to stay grounded, and, as Mary Oliver would say, let our lights shine.

xoxo

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Letting Go, Holding On

"Be like a tree and let the dead leaves drop." - Rumi

August is over and September is just hours away. That means autumn is fast approaching. Pumpkin-flavored everything, football, cooler temperatures, ghosts, goblins and turkeys. Can you believe it? Why is it that as you age time seems to move faster. Probably entropy, right? Hmmm. Comments please. 

Anyway, back to Fall. 

When I think of autumn trees, I think about the beauty and diversity of the colors, the sound of leaves crunching under foot, how the discarded leaves dance on the wind as they make their way from branch to ground. There's even a particular smell in the air, right? So I usually don't really think about this process that trees go through and why. Why do trees eliminate the leaves? Water being held in the leaves could freeze in cold temperatures and that might affect the health of the branch. So instead, the trees shed the leaves and the branches become dormant, waiting for warmer temperatures. In other words, they shed their leaves because the leaves don't serve the tree anymore. 

But that's not where the story ends. The leaves die, but they just don't fall off. According to a 2009 NPR interview with Peter Raven, a renowned botanist, "Trees are more proactive than that. They throw their leaves off. Instead of calling this season 'The Fall,' if trees could talk they'd call this the 'Get Off Me' season." He goes on to explain that a particular hormone is released "that sends a chemical message to every leaf. As a result, little cells appear at the place where the leaf stem meets the branch. They are called 'abscission' cells. They have the same root as the word scissors, meaning they are designed, like scissors, to make a cut."

Isn't that amazing? Trees are actively trimming themselves to make room for new growth. And just when I thought trees couldn't get any cooler! 

(Side note: I have been reading a book by Richard Powers called The Overstory, which I highly recommend. In a nutshell, it's about trees. Funny thing is, I picked this book up on a whim, only knowing that it had won the Pulitzer Prize. I didn't know the subject matter. Don't you love it when the book that you need at the moment finds you? This book has made me respect and admire trees even more, which I didn't think was possible.)

So now the question becomes, "How do we apply tree logic to our lives?" How do we identify the parts of us that we want to cut out and the parts that we want to keep? One of the wonderful doctors that taught classes in IOP said, "You have to ask yourself the question: How's that working out for you?"

Activity Time!!! This is an exercise we did in group. It only takes a few minutes. You should try it! It was a really great way to see what things you want to release and what things you want to retain. Here's how it works: You take a piece of paper and a writing utensil. Then, just like in second grade when making turkeys for Thanksgiving, you draw the outline of your hands. Yep, both of them. Next, you write above the left hand, "Letting Go." And above the right hand, "Holding On." Now take the time to write inside of the left hand all of the things that aren't serving you, the things that you would like to let go of. For example, perfectionism, self-doubt and fear. Lastly, in the right hand, write things that you want to keep, that you want to cultivate, like creativity, self-compassion and confidence.

This exercise puts into perspective the parts that need trimming out of your life. Notice I said trimming and not uprooting. There is no way that for the rest of my life, perfectionism won't creep in. But by just cutting the perfectionism back a little bit, it allows room for more creativity to grow. Every time we are able to edit a little bit from the left hand, the right hand has more room for the good stuff. Less self-doubt is better self-compassion. Feeling less fear makes me more confident. 

So now that I have identified the traits that I would like to let go and the ones that I would like to hold onto, with my renewed sense of creativity, self-compassion and confidence, I went downstairs and did some literal trimming. I finally made the angled cuts on the pieces that make up the frame of the base. Yep, I did it! It really is astonishing, and, frankly, sad, how I let something so small make me so hesitant. Check this out:

 

Ta-dah! And just like that, we have a frame, with actual mitered corners. It was an accomplishment and it only took a few small cuts, see:

That was it! Those little trims and cuts made a really big difference! And, doesn't it feel good to accomplish something that seemed daunting at first?

While I am waiting for the glue to dry, I have to prepare for the next step - sanding and staining. It's not so scary this time.

As the leaves change, we too can change. With small steps, cuts, edits and trims, we can make a huge difference in our quality of life and our mental health. If we let go of the parts that are holding us back, we make room for the things that allow us to grow. Just like the trees.

xoxo

P.S. Thanks to Dr. M for the quote and S for the activity.

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Angles & Growth

 “Acts of creation are ordinarily reserved for gods and poets, but humbler folk may circumvent this restriction if they know how. To plant a pine, for example, one need be neither god nor poet; one need only own a shovel.” ― Aldo Leopold

Do you ever ask yourself, "What the hell am I doing?" Ever have that feeling in the pit of your stomach like you are walking on a high wire without a net? Even something simple, like how to make a 45 degree angle cut, can make you feel like you have forgotten everything you have ever learned? 

But feelings aren't facts, right? So, we take a deep breath, clear our minds and come up with a different approach. We come at the problem from a different angle. 

How many times in your life have you pivoted from one solution to another? And how many times did you try something once and then give up? We, every single person on the planet, have done both - tackled a challenge strategically and decided that we weren't enough to handle a problem. The real difference in these opposite responses is all in our perspective, or angle...or mindset.

The Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck has created a whole new concept that is being taught everywhere, from schools to Fortune 500 companies - growth versus fixed mindset.  

From her book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, she says, "In one world - the world of fixed traits - success is about proving you're smart or talented. Validating yourself. In the other - the world of changing qualities - it's about stretching yourself to learn something new. Developing yourself. 

In one world, failure is about having a setback...It means you are not smart or talented. In the other world, failure is about not growing...It means you're not fulfilling your potential. 

In one world, effort is a bad thing. It, like failure, means you're not smart or talented. If you were, you wouldn't need the effort. In the other world, effort is what makes you smart or talented." (MIC DROP)

A growth mindset opens up the world, your brain, your heart. A fixed mindset limits you, sets boundaries on your abilities and stifles your imagination and creativity. It is not possible, as beautifully imperfect people, to keep a growth mindset 100% of the time. We are constantly going back and forth between the two. And that's okay. Remember, much like trees, we human beings don't pop into this world fully grown like Athena. No, no. It takes years of effort, experience, exposure and education to become the wonderfully complicated people we are. But the more we are aware of our mindsets, the more opportunity we have to choose growth over fixed. Carol Dweck says, "You have a choice. Mindsets are just beliefs. They're powerful beliefs, but they're just something in your mind, and you can change your mind."

This is much easier said than done, of course. I have been struggling a bit to keep an open mind and not tell myself that this is too much for me to do. I mean, it's really simple stuff, right? So why am I shrinking away from the challenge? 

I could list a whole bunch of reasons, or excuses. The truth is I am so hesitant because I don't think I can do it "right." It just seems so silly now that I have said it out loud. (What does "right" mean, anyway?) It is a good time to remind myself that I didn't choose to do this as a quick creative project. I decided to do this to memorialize and create a medium in which to share all of the lessons and education I was lucky enough to receive. This is more about the process than the product. 

So while I am changing my approach to the Miniphany Tree, I am rethinking how to do a proper angled cut. My new approach is posing the question, "What would Doug say if I called him?" This is when the miniphany happens. I remember that Doug used a tool to make angled measurements. It's called a t-bevel and it is what I will use to measure out the angles before I make the cuts.

Cutting angles is tricky. Changing your angle on life is even trickier. Mindfulness is key, of course. (Isn't it always?) And some sort of tool to keep at hand helps. When I am asking myself if I am coming from a place of growth, I like to think of a quote that a contestant on Chopped once said, (I know, I know, it's a food-based reality television show, but this little nugget has stuck with me), "Winning is moment. Better is forever." 

Let that one marinate for a little while.

xoxo

P.S. Thanks to CB for the nudge. 💛

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Windows

"I glanced out the window at the signs of spring. The sky was almost blue, the trees were almost budding, the sun was almost bright." - Millard Kaufman

It's been a bit since I have touched the tree base. I have been trying to organize the information that will go into the tree. But, to be frank, I have put the whole tree aside for a second. I got stuck on the frame for the base and just had to walk away. 

So here's what's going on...I really want to miter the frame. I have never done this before, but I think it looks so good. A miter cut is usually done on a 45 degree angle. It looks like this:

(Thanks to Craftsy for the pic!)

In order to make a 45 degree cut, I thought I needed some extra tools. I have a miter saw, but it is old, the blade is old and I don't trust it to make the perfect cut. Thinking I needed more tools (any excuse, right?), I ordered a miter box. It is a plastic box that guides your cuts with a hand saw. So I tried that. 

Later, once I had broken the plastic box and two headless, sharp screw posts were dangerously sticking out of my workbench, I got frustrated and walked away. And have been away ever since. (The screw posts are still there, by the way.)

I haven't walked away in my mind, though. I think about the tree every day and am constantly making and remaking plans for it. But I needed to walk away initially because I could feel myself getting more and more frustrated, and knowing that my frustration can build and build until I am nothing but a red ball of anger. I couldn't have done that a year ago.

A year ago, before I was a patient in the Intensive Outpatient Program at Johns Hopkins, all I could really do was wake up and go to bed. When awake, I had only 3 modes: an angry rage, the depths of despair, or numbness. My ability to deal with the world around me became weaker and weaker.

The psychologist Dr. Dan Siegel says that the ability a person has to handle whatever life throws at them is called their Window of Tolerance. It's that sweet spot between freaking out and shutting down. It's different for everybody, but essentially, the bigger your window, the more you are able to tolerate distress in a healthy manner. And while the Window of Tolerance is usually spoken of in regards to those with trauma, I feel it is a concept that everyone can use to gain insight into themselves.

My window used to be the size of a peephole. But during my time in IOP, my window began to grow. I learned how to stay in the present moment, how not to judge myself and how to look at imperfections as normal and beautiful. Having some self-compassion, showing yourself some kindness and grace, can completely change how you handle whatever life throws at you. My window continues to grow, even though there are still times when I have to walk away, like with the tree base.

Besides walking away for a little while from a problem, there are other tools that can help you manage distressful moments or circumstances. They are called Distraction Skills and are meant to only be used temporarily in order for you to maintain some emotional equilibrium during a very activating time. These skills will help you gain some perspective and not react from a place of intense emotion. There is even an acronym to help you remember them - ACCEPTS:

A - activities (do something different to take your mind off the problem for a little while)

C - contributing (like volunteering or just being there for someone else)

C - comparisons (healthy comparisons to remind yourself how far you've come)

E - emotions (let your emotions out by watching a sad movie or listening to a pumped up song)

P - push away (for now only, so you have time to gain some perspective, then go back to the problem)

T - thoughts (recognize and change your thoughts about the situation)

S - sensations (cold water on your face, peppermint tea, feet in grass - anything that resets your brain)

I know sometimes you can't go do another activity in the midst of a stressful situation, but you can remind yourself that you aren't the person you used to be. You could listen to your favorite song in your head. Or you could register your thoughts like, "Gosh, my co-worker is so annoying and takes up so much of my time complaining about her personal life," and try to change them to something healthier, like, "What are some healthy ways to set boundaries and be assertive with my co-worker so I can concentrate on my work more?"

Of course, all of this is easier said than done. And it all takes practice. Lots and lots of practice. But I can't think of anything else more worthwhile than your mental health. How can you be your best self, meet your potential, and live a healthy life when your mental health is suffering? By practicing these tips (and many, many more to follow), my Window of Tolerance has widened and the view is spectacular! It is nice to have other options than just shutting down or emotionally overreacting. 

You can't expand your Window of Tolerance if you avoid conflict all together. There are going to be times in life where you feel frustrated, hopeless, helpless, angry, sad and all of the other feelings, too! You can't stop that from happening. But you can control your responses. You can control whether or not you feel ashamed because you let your anger get the best of you, or whether or not you feel guilty because you didn't participate in a solution the way you would have wanted to. You CAN be proud of yourself. You CAN turn a corner. You CAN live a healthier, happier life. But only YOU can make that change.

I hope this information helps. And I hope you try it. 

In the meantime, I will go back to the base. I am not sure if I have the next steps all figured out yet. But in case I don't figure it out this time, I will the next time. Or the time after that. 

Getting stuck sucks. But figuring out how to get unstuck is precious. Hold on to the solutions that work for you and leave the rest. 

Now, off to miter! 

xoxo

More info on Window of Tolerance: 

NICABM Window of Tolerance

Psychology Today Importance of Window of Tolerance

The Base

 "Slow down. Calm down. Don't worry. Don't hurry. Trust the process." - E

I figure that the first place to start is the base, in other words, the ground on which the tree will sit. It must be sturdy and strong and supportive. And it must be made of wood, of course. But since this tree is meant to represent ideas that are born of today's mental health practices, what is the base for that? Where do we begin there? 

As many therapists will tell you, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is today's go-to talk therapy. It essentially says that what you think affects how you feel and behave. So if you change your thoughts, you can change your feelings and behaviors. It really makes sense. And while there are numerous types of talk therapy, this one seems to be popular and is the foundation for The Miniphany Tree. 

If you have never been to therapy or been around a mental health professional, you may have never heard the phrase "Trust the process." If you are familiar with this phrase, you know that it is used in therapy just as much as "Amen" is used in a Baptist church. It can be quite frustrating to hear this over and over again when you are suffering and all you want is to feel better. 

But it's true. The only path to true healing is one tread with patience. 

In today's world, one of the most effective treatments for most mental health disorders is a combination of talk therapy and medication. It takes time to find the right therapist, the right psychiatrist and the right cocktail of medications. You have to have good rapport and mutual respect in your relationship with your therapist. Honesty and safety are paramount in this context. The same goes for your psychiatrist or prescriber. Transparency and comfort are musts. 

This concept of allowing the process to lead the way is a hard pill to swallow, especially if planning, knowing, or understanding what is happening is part of your personality or your illness. It's like allowing the motion of the water to take you where you need to go and you have to refrain from using your paddle. 

I accept this premise and am applying the same theory to making The Miniphany Tree. It is definitely going to be a learning process, hopefully for both of us. 

Back to the base...

My friend Doug was a light in my life that shone like no other. He always had a smile on his face, a story to tell and, usually, a beer in his hand. He had an amazing life. He owned his own skydiving company, was an inspector for Honeywell, worked as a charter pilot, and owned a bar on a golf course in Chattanooga, TN. But he was much more than his stories. He was kind and kindhearted. He called everyone Sunshine. He would give anything and everything he had to a friend in need. He was really one of a kind. And the world isn't the same without him. He died alone, in his RV. Just the way he wanted to go. 

I have a few pieces of wood that he had lying around, left over from a poker table project of his. These planks and pieces of trim will be used to build the base. As I said, it must be sturdy, strong and supportive, just like Dougie was for me. He would love that I am using his wood scraps for a project of my own. "You have to use what you've got," he would say.

Luckily, it doesn't have to be that way with our mental health. You don't have to only be armed with the tools you have now. There are so many more out there! Useful ones that can help you get through a panic attack, a hard conversation with a loved one, or even grief. The Miniphany Tree will share lots of these ideas with you when the tree is ready to bear its fruit. 

As for now, we are trusting the process and starting from the ground up.

Kim

3...2...1.........

 

"Trees exhale for us so that we can inhale them to stay alive. Can we ever forget that? Let us love trees with every breath we take until we perish." ― Munia Khan

Well, here we go. Hi. Welcome to The Miniphany Tree. I'm Kim, the curator of this garden. This is a place where The Miniphany Tree can spread it's branches and share its fruit. But first, you need an explanation.

Several years ago, my dear friend Beth and I were having one of our normal heart to hearts. We have so much in common including being the eldest in each of our families and having parents that we have somehow ended up raising. We both grew up too soon. For years, part of our special friendship has included psychoanalyzing each other's families, friends, coworkers and anything else on our minds. Essentially, being the best friends that we are. We came up with the term "miniphany" - a mini epiphany. You know, those moments of minor awakenings where you learn something new about something old. A miniphany is where you reframe or change perspective which sometimes can change your thoughts and lead to changes in behavior. Miniphanies have completely changed how we have dealt with our families of origin, extended families, friends, bosses, spouses and children. 

I have passed along the term "miniphany" to many that I come across. I like using it. And I like experiencing them. There is something freeing about realizations. It's more than learning something new. It's unlocking a secret that sheds light on old ideas, making them different from what they were before. 

I recently have had many miniphanies regarding mental health. I am in no way an expert or professional. I do have a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology from the University of Tennessee. I also have been diagnosed with mental illnesses and have been in and out of therapy for almost 30 years. So what does this have to do with anything??? The Miniphany Tree is a way to organize the many concepts, facts, tips, and tools I have picked up along the way. Obviously, this is a very personal story and journey, but I think that not only will it help me, it might help someone else. 

The plan is to document the journey of The Miniphany Tree from concept to reality, all of the ups and downs, successes and failures learning opportunities. Let me just tell you now, I don't know what I am doing. I am making it up as I go along. But I have some tools and crafting supplies and some ideas and some time. Let's see what happens. 

Thanks for being here.

Kim