"I glanced out the window at the signs of spring. The sky was almost blue, the trees were almost budding, the sun was almost bright." - Millard Kaufman
It's been a bit since I have touched the tree base. I have been trying to organize the information that will go into the tree. But, to be frank, I have put the whole tree aside for a second. I got stuck on the frame for the base and just had to walk away.
So here's what's going on...I really want to miter the frame. I have never done this before, but I think it looks so good. A miter cut is usually done on a 45 degree angle. It looks like this:
(Thanks to Craftsy for the pic!)
In order to make a 45 degree cut, I thought I needed some extra tools. I have a miter saw, but it is old, the blade is old and I don't trust it to make the perfect cut. Thinking I needed more tools (any excuse, right?), I ordered a miter box. It is a plastic box that guides your cuts with a hand saw. So I tried that.
Later, once I had broken the plastic box and two headless, sharp screw posts were dangerously sticking out of my workbench, I got frustrated and walked away. And have been away ever since. (The screw posts are still there, by the way.)
I haven't walked away in my mind, though. I think about the tree every day and am constantly making and remaking plans for it. But I needed to walk away initially because I could feel myself getting more and more frustrated, and knowing that my frustration can build and build until I am nothing but a red ball of anger. I couldn't have done that a year ago.
A year ago, before I was a patient in the Intensive Outpatient Program at Johns Hopkins, all I could really do was wake up and go to bed. When awake, I had only 3 modes: an angry rage, the depths of despair, or numbness. My ability to deal with the world around me became weaker and weaker.
The psychologist Dr. Dan Siegel says that the ability a person has to handle whatever life throws at them is called their Window of Tolerance. It's that sweet spot between freaking out and shutting down. It's different for everybody, but essentially, the bigger your window, the more you are able to tolerate distress in a healthy manner. And while the Window of Tolerance is usually spoken of in regards to those with trauma, I feel it is a concept that everyone can use to gain insight into themselves.
My window used to be the size of a peephole. But during my time in IOP, my window began to grow. I learned how to stay in the present moment, how not to judge myself and how to look at imperfections as normal and beautiful. Having some self-compassion, showing yourself some kindness and grace, can completely change how you handle whatever life throws at you. My window continues to grow, even though there are still times when I have to walk away, like with the tree base.
Besides walking away for a little while from a problem, there are other tools that can help you manage distressful moments or circumstances. They are called Distraction Skills and are meant to only be used temporarily in order for you to maintain some emotional equilibrium during a very activating time. These skills will help you gain some perspective and not react from a place of intense emotion. There is even an acronym to help you remember them - ACCEPTS:
A - activities (do something different to take your mind off the problem for a little while)
C - contributing (like volunteering or just being there for someone else)
C - comparisons (healthy comparisons to remind yourself how far you've come)
E - emotions (let your emotions out by watching a sad movie or listening to a pumped up song)
P - push away (for now only, so you have time to gain some perspective, then go back to the problem)
T - thoughts (recognize and change your thoughts about the situation)
S - sensations (cold water on your face, peppermint tea, feet in grass - anything that resets your brain)
I know sometimes you can't go do another activity in the midst of a stressful situation, but you can remind yourself that you aren't the person you used to be. You could listen to your favorite song in your head. Or you could register your thoughts like, "Gosh, my co-worker is so annoying and takes up so much of my time complaining about her personal life," and try to change them to something healthier, like, "What are some healthy ways to set boundaries and be assertive with my co-worker so I can concentrate on my work more?"
Of course, all of this is easier said than done. And it all takes practice. Lots and lots of practice. But I can't think of anything else more worthwhile than your mental health. How can you be your best self, meet your potential, and live a healthy life when your mental health is suffering? By practicing these tips (and many, many more to follow), my Window of Tolerance has widened and the view is spectacular! It is nice to have other options than just shutting down or emotionally overreacting.
You can't expand your Window of Tolerance if you avoid conflict all together. There are going to be times in life where you feel frustrated, hopeless, helpless, angry, sad and all of the other feelings, too! You can't stop that from happening. But you can control your responses. You can control whether or not you feel ashamed because you let your anger get the best of you, or whether or not you feel guilty because you didn't participate in a solution the way you would have wanted to. You CAN be proud of yourself. You CAN turn a corner. You CAN live a healthier, happier life. But only YOU can make that change.
I hope this information helps. And I hope you try it.
In the meantime, I will go back to the base. I am not sure if I have the next steps all figured out yet. But in case I don't figure it out this time, I will the next time. Or the time after that.
Getting stuck sucks. But figuring out how to get unstuck is precious. Hold on to the solutions that work for you and leave the rest.
Now, off to miter!
xoxo
More info on Window of Tolerance:
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